Good morning from the wilds of Northumberland, UK. I am like cloth spread out to dry ... on 'tenterhooks' ... stretched every which way to become smoother in my ways! Your words echoed a counsellor who is hearing my cries to understand my relationship with my daughter. She is hiding behind her career, having pushed her grief way down inside ... and so she shuns my vulnerability. It echoes what lies just beneath the surface of her ... and if she opens up she won't be able to do her job as well as she does. She is my surviving child and she unable to support me through my journey with prolonged grief from losing my son, her younger brother over 20 years ago. I have PTSD I am told. She does too, but will not acknowledge it. She found him ... he died from a heart arrhythmia ... Sudden Adult Death. I find myself very alone with my feelings right now ... they rise and fall many times during the day. She cannot bear to see me open, curious and asking for help ... she sees this as a weakness. My grief has resurfaced because when he died I held it all together for everyone else! I had no time to grieve ... no time to just sit with my son because I made a choice in a moment of wanting something good to come out of the loss ... I donated his organs ... in that moment, I lost control of how I could and would grieve. He was taken ... meetings, forms to be signed. He helped several children but now I consider how I make my choices ... have I enough time to discern the 'fallout' understanding more now of the Law of Cause and Effect! While it helps me see why my daughter is unable to support me, and all I need is to hear me, and not judge, I certainly am not a needy Mum ... I have to respect her boundaries and this seems so wrong. She pushes me away and all Mums have a need to nurture. So I live afar ... the beach is my medicine. I realise my words here may be too raw for some to read. I read 'broken open it is happening for you ... not to you' and right now I am not seeing the value of these words. How we are asked to rise above our suffering ... seek acceptance or is it resignation with one of life's hardest lessons. Many say keep busy ... its not as easy as it sounds. Many say in time she wlll come round ... but for me every day that passes is another loss of mending our wounds. How can I let go? It is not natural. Thank you Sarah for your inspirational words that soothe so many of us.
Thank you for sharing your tender thoughts and feelings. While some may find this 'too raw', others want nothing more than to share their love by bearing witness. May you feel supported, loved, and connected. ❤️
Thank you so much for sharing your journey. I truly honor your vulnerability and courage to speak the words and feelings that you confront and so many keep in the dark recesses of their soul. Even though you are riding huge waves and currents, you have come up for air. You are honoring and giving space for your current emotions, reflections and that is beautiful. The healing journey, and at least for for me writing about these themes is part of that journey as I suspect for you is as well, has many twists and turns. Just in the sharing and opening to this part of yourself can bring some relief. I see that. I wish that you will find some smoother waters where you can float for a time.
I echo the thoughts of the others who replied. Your willingness to share so such deep and raw emotion is received with gratitude and I honor your trust in the community. My heart is with you, it is hard to feel alone.
Thank you for your post. Your forename is also my belated mother’s first name and your words reminded me of times I distanced myself from her during difficult times. I find that platitudes like “try to keep busy” or “she will come around” do not help in the grieving process. Listening to Sarah’s words and the words of many others, I’m understanding that we can be for ourselves what we need from others to be. This is definitely a work in progress for me. You are a mom and desire to nurture…maybe try nurturing your own pain and needs, and keep extending love by being ready if and when your daughter is ready to share in grief. Gratitude for your words this morning 💜 I hope I do not offend. May you know peace.
Thank you for sharing! You are grieving two big losses, the loss of your beloved son and the loss of the relationship ( or the sharing the grief) you hope to be having with your daughter. Be kind to your self as you make your way through this grief. Sending love and blessings to you!
I lost my husband four years ago in August. He was everything to me and my five adult children. I am still grieving, and I think I will forever grieve because I loved him so completely. As I slowly try to figure out how to live without him by my side, I realize that I have to accept my grief and hurt every day. I think in the beginning I tried to push away those feelings of pain. There is no "fast pass" through grief. Every day brings memories and feelings that can be hard to feel. I appreciate the way you talk about the fear that we have when we are facing intense emotions. You just have to accept them even if you don't like them. John had cancer that tore through his body for 3 years. He would always remind me that we were running a marathon. He used to say, "Hey hon, how about if we just do today." Such an easy saying, yet incredibly hard to do some days. Thank you, Sarah for your posts. I look forward to them. They have helped me through so much.
Dear Mary... your post brought me chills. For me it reaffirms that underneath it all we are all connected. We try to fix and mend and sometimes we just need to sit and be. Many many blessings🙏💖🙏
“There will be times when you startle people with your honesty and transparency” happened to me in a friendship I valued. I have been processing the loss of the friendship as it was and not as I thought it was. I questioned how should I show up with others in my life. Your post helped me see that I have done great work toward living from the truth of who I sm. I realize that it is not possible or worthwhile for me to shrink and hide. In reflecting on the friendship, I now see it more clearly in that my friend does not go deep. I can hold space for this and learn to enjoy others for where they are on this journey.
Oh Rhonda, I can SO resonate coming to the realization that the loss of a friendship “as it was” often simply is because some people do not, cannot, don’t want to “go deep.” Indeed. Fascinating to come to that realization, and then to let it be just what it is. I loved your words. “ I can hold space for this, and learn to enjoy others for where the are on this journey” 🙏❤️
Just yesterday I realized how resistant I’ve been about my mom and dad’s declining health. Instead of seeing them where they are, I’ve been desperately holding on to a time when they were vibrant and independent. My anger and fear about their declining health has shifted and softened. I see and admire their strength, peace and love as they have accepted this stage of their life without complaining or feeling sorry for themselves.
Thank you Sarah for helping me to be ok and be able to sit with all these feelings. It’s not easy but it is life.
What a lovely post, Sarah and all who replied above. The bit that speaks to me the most is about embracing and accepting our aging parents. I have always been in a battle of sorts with mine and now that they are in their mid-70s I most definitely feel a slowing down in their rhythms. And mine as well.... Years of therapy and self-study have smoothed but not untangled my feelings of rejection and non-belonging toward my family. I feel that I grew up under a tight regime of emotional scarcity where feelings were not valued or nurtured and where mismatched socks were not only not permitted but mocked. I have spent a great part of my adult journey trying to honor myself, heal my inner little girl, and finding healthy ways to love and to be authentically with my family. I find it so breathtakingly hard at times this dance of straddling between my ever-evolving self and loving the people who gave me birth.
Your post resonates . I too felt like a fish out of water in my family. As the youngest of three, I always questioned the worth of my softer side in a family that was ego driven. It used to be very personal for me, but with age ( my own and my mother as my father has since passed away), I see that they too were just a product of their conditioning. All of our collective aging is a gift and we all can soften a bit and become more vulnerable. Now instead of resentment, I can offer the compassion that I wasn’t able to before. I see that they did the best they knew how.
On another note I chuckled at the mismatched socks comment as my son who has special needs likes to wear mismatched socks. I also used to try make him change them and I’m glad he never listened. I just learned to go with the flow and would then laughingly comment that he’s making a fashion statement. Who would have that the holes down the front of jeans would ever be acceptable?
It’s all conditioning until someone “normalizes” the seemingly out of the ordinary.
Dear Ana, my first thought is “welcome to the club “!! I think it’s few, and far between who, somehow get to avoid the impact of needing to, as you said, “straddle between my ever evolving, self, and loving, the people who gave me birth “… Complicated… always and forever complicated. And what I love about what Sarah shares is to be reminded to come HOME to ourselves. That’s primary and fundamental and what I struggle with is just what you said, when primary messaging as a child was often, if not consistently controlled, negative, non-accepting…. They arises the conundrum of the ever evolving self, and learning to love that.
Thank you for sharing 🙏 This community buoys my soul, and I so appreciate being reminded that I do not walk this path along. 🙏❤️
Ohh… Sweet Sarah… the first thing that is swirling and swelling in my head is the chorus from the famous Hall and Oats song..
“Sara, smile
Oh, won't you smile awhile for me, Sara”
You smile on all of us with your tender heart and raw authenticity, urging our truest self to sit in honor at the head of our inner table. For your call to remembrance I am eternally grateful. For this “Sarah Satsang” I am humbled by all of the heart warming reflections and images. They stir my soul.
So so so much to unpack here for me. This call to what’s swelling inside and all the prompts you provided. I’m just picking one, but so many to truly contemplate.
I flew in to celebrate by mother’s 85th birthday. Last night I visited her at the independent living facility where she lives. The residents were in the lobby in circle formation listening to a pianist playing old Cuban songs from back in the day. I looked around the room and felt my heart swell. My mom was moving side to side singing the lyrics of long time ago. She was wearing her maroon lipstick to match her outfit and with her hair freshly dyed blond. I just smiled at mom, mesmerized her her still caring and still singing. I saw one man close his eyes in an almost trance like state, head swaying side to side, tapping his fingers on his walker as if remembering how he once stroked the keys of a piano. His expressions shifted so quickly, from one of anguish and then the next moment a smile of sweet delight. I was in awe of what he was experiencing internally. These changing tides.
The women next to me, I could only see her profile. She had thinning silver streaked hair tied in a ballerina bun adorned with a silk pink peony flower. I was moved as she was immersed in song. Dancing in her chair and singing to the old tunes. On impulse she graciously arose on her 2 inch heels, and took center stage as she glided with her walker as her dance partner. She was grace personified, a swan. She was unabashedly free and loving life. She took 2 spins around the piano and gently landed in her chair as the last few notes from the keyboard turned into silence. She turned to me and I asked if she was a dancer. She said that she never danced professionally, but as long as she could remember since she was a little girl, she would always dance in her home, dancing with chairs or whatever she could get her hands on. Her skin was softly wrinkled and she held this incredible beauty of presence. She proudly confessed she was 94. What a treat I experienced.
Looking around the room, I was relishing being in the presence of so many on the threshold of releasing their lives. I was witnessing and honoring there shared experiences, wisdom, hardships, resiliency, sadness, joy, playfulness, yearnings and love. I received such a beautiful gift last night and it is still raw in me that I wanted to share it here. So I take this as a reminder to dance life in whatever way calls to us until our very last breath
Yes! I find this beauty when I visit my mom in her nursing home! While eating lunch one day recently, one of my mom's housemates, Rose, told one of aides she loved her. Rose then asked my mom if she loved the aides. My mom replied "yes." Rose answered "that is good. There is nothing to do here but love each other." She is a wise woman.
I love all of this Sarah and I so appreciate the beautiful reminders. Something that struck me this week has to do with the relationship between intent and impact. I’m practicing taking accountability for the impact I have and typically think of this as the impact I make when I’ve done wrong or harm or haven’t shown up as the human I long to be. But this week I was shown another side of this when someone told me to be accountable for the POSITIVE impact I make. To acknowledge the gravity of the beauty and love and compassion and courage I show up with often. I loved to hear this and I’m practicing claiming and receiving and letting in the positive impact I have on the world. ❤️
I am in a transition state right now. If I am honest I always feel that way but for now the wave is cresting and stealing the light. I cannot feel anything the lack of air in my lungs. I cannot hear anything but the overwhelming roar of my anger, dismay and despair at things that happened to me 40 years ago and the realization that I still carry them with me even now. My compulsions are my way of reenacting the horrors that were perpetrated on me. How can I still be here in this place...after all this time...after all the work I have done. I know this is a storm passing through me and I am the sky but knowing that doesn’t stop the feelings of betrayal and rage. It is a lot right now. So thank you for today’s words. They are a balm to my devastation and turmoil. They are exactly what I needed to see.
I’m with you too Danielle! For me, it’s wounds from nearly 50 years ago! Also needing daily reminders that I am the sky and that the storm will pass. But some days are just brutal and worse yet, unsuspectingly brutal. I have to just take walks in the woods, love on the dog and listen to Sarah’s wonderful voice and wisdom and let the night’s rest bring new perspective tomorrow! 🧡
Hi Nancy, I feel all of that. Pet therapy is the best therapy. Self care by walking, meditating and listening to my teachers is what pulls me through too. It just sneaks up on me sometimes out of the blue...I see the other side for sure and am grateful for the support from women like you. Thank you for seeing where I am at❤️
Oh my! If I didn’t know better, I would swear that I wrote this. I have been overwhelmed by rage surrounding an very old wound that I that had healed. The rage is powerful, consuming, and addictive. I know this is part of the process of (hopefully) finally moving through this memory, forgiving (including myself), and laying this hurt and abandonment to rest.
I wish you courage and compassion on your journey.
Thank you, Noel. I wish the same for you. I am so grateful for this place to share these feelings and thoughts only so we can feel not so alone. It does help that there are others how truly understand the depth of these types of feelings. What a healing place this is. Sending love and understanding back to you.
Danielle, I just found your sharing, and the first thing that hit me was “I wish you could talk with my daughter! “Who will turn 40 in May. She would be so aligned with what you feel and struggle with carrying so much rage and resentment of what she had no control over growing up. Breaks my heart, because as her mother, I did the best I could with what I had, but can’t change or fix for her now what stays lodged in her nervous system 🤷♀️ seriously, all I can do is try and focus on and work with my own nervous system, which all too often lacks internal peace (& be available for her.)It’s almost like how can you find it, create it, recognize inner peace if you’ve never known it🤷♀️
I too, now 71, am a Survivor of a variety of traumas in my lifetime … i’ve made great progress over the decades, but I still have to put significant effort into “coming home to myself “and accepting an allowing inner peace and that it’s… Profoundly for me… that it’s OK to be OK. That’s the phenomenon of PTSD… It just doesn’t one day, settle down or go away it stays just beneath the surface… Even when everything else has shifted to being a place of calm, quiet, safety. Everything physically is safe and ok, but as I’ve often put it “I don’t know this neighborhood “so that’s when it becomes difficult in realizing that I don’t simply know how “to be OK to be OK “
I’ve been doing SE somatic experiencing with a coach who specializes in work with survivors of sexual assault and abuse. I’ve done some of my greatest inner work with this coach to date.
SE is something you might find helpful if you haven’t heard of it or looked into it yet. Peter Levine is the founder of this modality. He has written a number books: Waking the Tiger: Healing Trauma is one I first read. Another thing that’s really helping me recently is the IFS, internal family system modality founded by Richard Schwartz. His book “no bad parts, encourages us to identify welcome “all of our parts “that make us up to be who we are. Fascinating… I totally get it.
I wish you continued courage, and never give up being curious about what this “home “is inside of each of us belonging only to ourselves to shift and heal as we can. “It” … That which gets in our way and takes the breath from our lungs… never goes away, but it can “soften“… I embrace your effort, because here I am at 71 still walking what feels like an ever too elusive path to my own inner Peace.
Wishing us all blessings, courage, and continued. Curiosity! Curiosity is the opposite of fear it helps us lean inward wanting to know more, rather than pushing away what we fear or don’t want.🙏❤️🙏❤️ sending strength ✨
What a blessing today's newsletter is and this community. Each section truly speaks to me and gives me comfort and encouragement. My parents are aging and my Dad is so very afraid of dying. I am praying for words to help comfort him in this stage. Thank you Sarah.
Dearest Sarah, I saw your post yesterday but did not have time (or take the time) to read it. The universe has a way of ensuring we get what we need when we need it. I am celebrating Canadian thanksgiving today with my family and reading this post this morning was exactly what I needed and has set me up for a joyful family gathering. I often shrink myself with family so as not to cause “waves” but I am learning to be fully present and my true self with family. Doing this from a place of love is so important. I also struggle with the aging of my mother. I often get frustrated with her limiting beliefs about herself. Today I will meet her where she is at, accept her for who she really is and let go of my judgement. Thank you for your beautiful and thoughtful words.
Hi....Thanks for the words of encouragement and wisdom.....the 2 that struck me so deeply this morning were the "startling of others with my transparency"...sometimes in the past 5 years I don't even recognize myself. I am loving myself and I am unapologetically the most mushy woo woo person at the nursing school at Regis University in Denver....that would never have been me...I love the life long journey which I now relish, hunger for and gladly seek out daily...so amazing. The reminder that others' response is not my business was so welcome as I still at times stop and think, "will this make someone uncomfortable" Thanks
My parents.....(heavy sigh). My mom died December 2022 so almost a year ago...I have as an RN and palliative care NP worked in end of life care for 2 decades and nothing could prepare me for the waves of profound grief her death opened in me. Wow...I am so grateful for this experience of life also. My father is 80 and has recently been diagnosed with stage 4 lung cancer. While I am not ready to lose him too I am finding so many gifts during the journey with my mom and now dad...our relationship and deepening friendship, recognizing how much impact he has had on me and my life is profound and such a blessing.
Thank you so much Sarah. This speaks to me in so many ways. I’m the aging parent gradually disappearing. I have time though to do the things that need to be done. You help me to love myself and appreciate myself , forgive myself. Please please keep sharing your exquisite thoughts. I love you Sarah.
Sublime Sarah. Any early morning gentle cry is always welcomed from you.
It’s grief that’s visiting me, as well as the persistent + overwhelming urging to accept everything I hide about myself. I must converse with these friends here now.
Your words bring me introspection. I love the reminder….The world will touch where I most need release. Pay close attention to where the pressure is asking to let go. For me right now, the pressure is my struggle to not absorb the emotions of those closest to me. I love them dearly yet it’s not healthy for my psyche to take on their troubles. That is their journey and I need to have my boundaries to keep me safe. I love your words. They strike me deep 💕
i feel left behind, a foot in both camps. still such attachment to the woman i was. needing to fulfil roles for family members in order to be noticed i jumped off and now im not in the camp, never was. I'm afraid of who am I without all the noise. Never liked the noise, the world feels so loud. I invent pockets where i am able "get off"
and in the "get off" its divine, serene peaceful and kind but i dont know how to transcend this place that I am. How it will work to move forward with life
so i got off, asked to be, and in the praying i pray my children will come, my husband and love but in the interim i am alone with all of me
Good morning from the wilds of Northumberland, UK. I am like cloth spread out to dry ... on 'tenterhooks' ... stretched every which way to become smoother in my ways! Your words echoed a counsellor who is hearing my cries to understand my relationship with my daughter. She is hiding behind her career, having pushed her grief way down inside ... and so she shuns my vulnerability. It echoes what lies just beneath the surface of her ... and if she opens up she won't be able to do her job as well as she does. She is my surviving child and she unable to support me through my journey with prolonged grief from losing my son, her younger brother over 20 years ago. I have PTSD I am told. She does too, but will not acknowledge it. She found him ... he died from a heart arrhythmia ... Sudden Adult Death. I find myself very alone with my feelings right now ... they rise and fall many times during the day. She cannot bear to see me open, curious and asking for help ... she sees this as a weakness. My grief has resurfaced because when he died I held it all together for everyone else! I had no time to grieve ... no time to just sit with my son because I made a choice in a moment of wanting something good to come out of the loss ... I donated his organs ... in that moment, I lost control of how I could and would grieve. He was taken ... meetings, forms to be signed. He helped several children but now I consider how I make my choices ... have I enough time to discern the 'fallout' understanding more now of the Law of Cause and Effect! While it helps me see why my daughter is unable to support me, and all I need is to hear me, and not judge, I certainly am not a needy Mum ... I have to respect her boundaries and this seems so wrong. She pushes me away and all Mums have a need to nurture. So I live afar ... the beach is my medicine. I realise my words here may be too raw for some to read. I read 'broken open it is happening for you ... not to you' and right now I am not seeing the value of these words. How we are asked to rise above our suffering ... seek acceptance or is it resignation with one of life's hardest lessons. Many say keep busy ... its not as easy as it sounds. Many say in time she wlll come round ... but for me every day that passes is another loss of mending our wounds. How can I let go? It is not natural. Thank you Sarah for your inspirational words that soothe so many of us.
Thank you for sharing your tender thoughts and feelings. While some may find this 'too raw', others want nothing more than to share their love by bearing witness. May you feel supported, loved, and connected. ❤️
Dearest Jane💗
Thank you so much for sharing your journey. I truly honor your vulnerability and courage to speak the words and feelings that you confront and so many keep in the dark recesses of their soul. Even though you are riding huge waves and currents, you have come up for air. You are honoring and giving space for your current emotions, reflections and that is beautiful. The healing journey, and at least for for me writing about these themes is part of that journey as I suspect for you is as well, has many twists and turns. Just in the sharing and opening to this part of yourself can bring some relief. I see that. I wish that you will find some smoother waters where you can float for a time.
Sending much love and many many blessings🙏💗🙏
I echo the thoughts of the others who replied. Your willingness to share so such deep and raw emotion is received with gratitude and I honor your trust in the community. My heart is with you, it is hard to feel alone.
Blessings of deep comfort on this journey.
I see you. This is a safe place to show your pain. What you feel is not too much to share with us.
Dear Jane,
Thank you for your post. Your forename is also my belated mother’s first name and your words reminded me of times I distanced myself from her during difficult times. I find that platitudes like “try to keep busy” or “she will come around” do not help in the grieving process. Listening to Sarah’s words and the words of many others, I’m understanding that we can be for ourselves what we need from others to be. This is definitely a work in progress for me. You are a mom and desire to nurture…maybe try nurturing your own pain and needs, and keep extending love by being ready if and when your daughter is ready to share in grief. Gratitude for your words this morning 💜 I hope I do not offend. May you know peace.
Dear Jane,
Thank you for sharing! You are grieving two big losses, the loss of your beloved son and the loss of the relationship ( or the sharing the grief) you hope to be having with your daughter. Be kind to your self as you make your way through this grief. Sending love and blessings to you!
I lost my husband four years ago in August. He was everything to me and my five adult children. I am still grieving, and I think I will forever grieve because I loved him so completely. As I slowly try to figure out how to live without him by my side, I realize that I have to accept my grief and hurt every day. I think in the beginning I tried to push away those feelings of pain. There is no "fast pass" through grief. Every day brings memories and feelings that can be hard to feel. I appreciate the way you talk about the fear that we have when we are facing intense emotions. You just have to accept them even if you don't like them. John had cancer that tore through his body for 3 years. He would always remind me that we were running a marathon. He used to say, "Hey hon, how about if we just do today." Such an easy saying, yet incredibly hard to do some days. Thank you, Sarah for your posts. I look forward to them. They have helped me through so much.
Dear Mary... your post brought me chills. For me it reaffirms that underneath it all we are all connected. We try to fix and mend and sometimes we just need to sit and be. Many many blessings🙏💖🙏
Hey hon, how about if we just do today
so beautiful thank you for sharing xxxx
“There will be times when you startle people with your honesty and transparency” happened to me in a friendship I valued. I have been processing the loss of the friendship as it was and not as I thought it was. I questioned how should I show up with others in my life. Your post helped me see that I have done great work toward living from the truth of who I sm. I realize that it is not possible or worthwhile for me to shrink and hide. In reflecting on the friendship, I now see it more clearly in that my friend does not go deep. I can hold space for this and learn to enjoy others for where they are on this journey.
Oh Rhonda, I can SO resonate coming to the realization that the loss of a friendship “as it was” often simply is because some people do not, cannot, don’t want to “go deep.” Indeed. Fascinating to come to that realization, and then to let it be just what it is. I loved your words. “ I can hold space for this, and learn to enjoy others for where the are on this journey” 🙏❤️
Just yesterday I realized how resistant I’ve been about my mom and dad’s declining health. Instead of seeing them where they are, I’ve been desperately holding on to a time when they were vibrant and independent. My anger and fear about their declining health has shifted and softened. I see and admire their strength, peace and love as they have accepted this stage of their life without complaining or feeling sorry for themselves.
Thank you Sarah for helping me to be ok and be able to sit with all these feelings. It’s not easy but it is life.
What a lovely post, Sarah and all who replied above. The bit that speaks to me the most is about embracing and accepting our aging parents. I have always been in a battle of sorts with mine and now that they are in their mid-70s I most definitely feel a slowing down in their rhythms. And mine as well.... Years of therapy and self-study have smoothed but not untangled my feelings of rejection and non-belonging toward my family. I feel that I grew up under a tight regime of emotional scarcity where feelings were not valued or nurtured and where mismatched socks were not only not permitted but mocked. I have spent a great part of my adult journey trying to honor myself, heal my inner little girl, and finding healthy ways to love and to be authentically with my family. I find it so breathtakingly hard at times this dance of straddling between my ever-evolving self and loving the people who gave me birth.
Ana Paula💖
Your post resonates . I too felt like a fish out of water in my family. As the youngest of three, I always questioned the worth of my softer side in a family that was ego driven. It used to be very personal for me, but with age ( my own and my mother as my father has since passed away), I see that they too were just a product of their conditioning. All of our collective aging is a gift and we all can soften a bit and become more vulnerable. Now instead of resentment, I can offer the compassion that I wasn’t able to before. I see that they did the best they knew how.
On another note I chuckled at the mismatched socks comment as my son who has special needs likes to wear mismatched socks. I also used to try make him change them and I’m glad he never listened. I just learned to go with the flow and would then laughingly comment that he’s making a fashion statement. Who would have that the holes down the front of jeans would ever be acceptable?
It’s all conditioning until someone “normalizes” the seemingly out of the ordinary.
Many blessings... bendiciones ✨🙏✨
Dear Ana, my first thought is “welcome to the club “!! I think it’s few, and far between who, somehow get to avoid the impact of needing to, as you said, “straddle between my ever evolving, self, and loving, the people who gave me birth “… Complicated… always and forever complicated. And what I love about what Sarah shares is to be reminded to come HOME to ourselves. That’s primary and fundamental and what I struggle with is just what you said, when primary messaging as a child was often, if not consistently controlled, negative, non-accepting…. They arises the conundrum of the ever evolving self, and learning to love that.
Thank you for sharing 🙏 This community buoys my soul, and I so appreciate being reminded that I do not walk this path along. 🙏❤️
Thank you so much for your kind and generous words, “V” Clark! Cheers to community and to not walking the path alone. 🙏🏽☀️
Ohh… Sweet Sarah… the first thing that is swirling and swelling in my head is the chorus from the famous Hall and Oats song..
“Sara, smile
Oh, won't you smile awhile for me, Sara”
You smile on all of us with your tender heart and raw authenticity, urging our truest self to sit in honor at the head of our inner table. For your call to remembrance I am eternally grateful. For this “Sarah Satsang” I am humbled by all of the heart warming reflections and images. They stir my soul.
So so so much to unpack here for me. This call to what’s swelling inside and all the prompts you provided. I’m just picking one, but so many to truly contemplate.
I flew in to celebrate by mother’s 85th birthday. Last night I visited her at the independent living facility where she lives. The residents were in the lobby in circle formation listening to a pianist playing old Cuban songs from back in the day. I looked around the room and felt my heart swell. My mom was moving side to side singing the lyrics of long time ago. She was wearing her maroon lipstick to match her outfit and with her hair freshly dyed blond. I just smiled at mom, mesmerized her her still caring and still singing. I saw one man close his eyes in an almost trance like state, head swaying side to side, tapping his fingers on his walker as if remembering how he once stroked the keys of a piano. His expressions shifted so quickly, from one of anguish and then the next moment a smile of sweet delight. I was in awe of what he was experiencing internally. These changing tides.
The women next to me, I could only see her profile. She had thinning silver streaked hair tied in a ballerina bun adorned with a silk pink peony flower. I was moved as she was immersed in song. Dancing in her chair and singing to the old tunes. On impulse she graciously arose on her 2 inch heels, and took center stage as she glided with her walker as her dance partner. She was grace personified, a swan. She was unabashedly free and loving life. She took 2 spins around the piano and gently landed in her chair as the last few notes from the keyboard turned into silence. She turned to me and I asked if she was a dancer. She said that she never danced professionally, but as long as she could remember since she was a little girl, she would always dance in her home, dancing with chairs or whatever she could get her hands on. Her skin was softly wrinkled and she held this incredible beauty of presence. She proudly confessed she was 94. What a treat I experienced.
Looking around the room, I was relishing being in the presence of so many on the threshold of releasing their lives. I was witnessing and honoring there shared experiences, wisdom, hardships, resiliency, sadness, joy, playfulness, yearnings and love. I received such a beautiful gift last night and it is still raw in me that I wanted to share it here. So I take this as a reminder to dance life in whatever way calls to us until our very last breath
💖🙏✨🙏💖
Wow ♥️🙌🏻🙏🏻
Blessings Michelle, your words: I was relishing being in the presence of so many on the threshold of releasing their lives.
Such a wonderfully special share, thank you for taking the time and interest to tell us about this experience, and for inviting us to join you 🙏✨
Yes! I find this beauty when I visit my mom in her nursing home! While eating lunch one day recently, one of my mom's housemates, Rose, told one of aides she loved her. Rose then asked my mom if she loved the aides. My mom replied "yes." Rose answered "that is good. There is nothing to do here but love each other." She is a wise woman.
So beautiful....Wise indeed🙏 💖🙏
I love all of this Sarah and I so appreciate the beautiful reminders. Something that struck me this week has to do with the relationship between intent and impact. I’m practicing taking accountability for the impact I have and typically think of this as the impact I make when I’ve done wrong or harm or haven’t shown up as the human I long to be. But this week I was shown another side of this when someone told me to be accountable for the POSITIVE impact I make. To acknowledge the gravity of the beauty and love and compassion and courage I show up with often. I loved to hear this and I’m practicing claiming and receiving and letting in the positive impact I have on the world. ❤️
I am in a transition state right now. If I am honest I always feel that way but for now the wave is cresting and stealing the light. I cannot feel anything the lack of air in my lungs. I cannot hear anything but the overwhelming roar of my anger, dismay and despair at things that happened to me 40 years ago and the realization that I still carry them with me even now. My compulsions are my way of reenacting the horrors that were perpetrated on me. How can I still be here in this place...after all this time...after all the work I have done. I know this is a storm passing through me and I am the sky but knowing that doesn’t stop the feelings of betrayal and rage. It is a lot right now. So thank you for today’s words. They are a balm to my devastation and turmoil. They are exactly what I needed to see.
I’m with you too Danielle! For me, it’s wounds from nearly 50 years ago! Also needing daily reminders that I am the sky and that the storm will pass. But some days are just brutal and worse yet, unsuspectingly brutal. I have to just take walks in the woods, love on the dog and listen to Sarah’s wonderful voice and wisdom and let the night’s rest bring new perspective tomorrow! 🧡
Hi Nancy, I feel all of that. Pet therapy is the best therapy. Self care by walking, meditating and listening to my teachers is what pulls me through too. It just sneaks up on me sometimes out of the blue...I see the other side for sure and am grateful for the support from women like you. Thank you for seeing where I am at❤️
Oh my! If I didn’t know better, I would swear that I wrote this. I have been overwhelmed by rage surrounding an very old wound that I that had healed. The rage is powerful, consuming, and addictive. I know this is part of the process of (hopefully) finally moving through this memory, forgiving (including myself), and laying this hurt and abandonment to rest.
I wish you courage and compassion on your journey.
Peace
Thank you, Noel. I wish the same for you. I am so grateful for this place to share these feelings and thoughts only so we can feel not so alone. It does help that there are others how truly understand the depth of these types of feelings. What a healing place this is. Sending love and understanding back to you.
Danielle, I just found your sharing, and the first thing that hit me was “I wish you could talk with my daughter! “Who will turn 40 in May. She would be so aligned with what you feel and struggle with carrying so much rage and resentment of what she had no control over growing up. Breaks my heart, because as her mother, I did the best I could with what I had, but can’t change or fix for her now what stays lodged in her nervous system 🤷♀️ seriously, all I can do is try and focus on and work with my own nervous system, which all too often lacks internal peace (& be available for her.)It’s almost like how can you find it, create it, recognize inner peace if you’ve never known it🤷♀️
I too, now 71, am a Survivor of a variety of traumas in my lifetime … i’ve made great progress over the decades, but I still have to put significant effort into “coming home to myself “and accepting an allowing inner peace and that it’s… Profoundly for me… that it’s OK to be OK. That’s the phenomenon of PTSD… It just doesn’t one day, settle down or go away it stays just beneath the surface… Even when everything else has shifted to being a place of calm, quiet, safety. Everything physically is safe and ok, but as I’ve often put it “I don’t know this neighborhood “so that’s when it becomes difficult in realizing that I don’t simply know how “to be OK to be OK “
I’ve been doing SE somatic experiencing with a coach who specializes in work with survivors of sexual assault and abuse. I’ve done some of my greatest inner work with this coach to date.
SE is something you might find helpful if you haven’t heard of it or looked into it yet. Peter Levine is the founder of this modality. He has written a number books: Waking the Tiger: Healing Trauma is one I first read. Another thing that’s really helping me recently is the IFS, internal family system modality founded by Richard Schwartz. His book “no bad parts, encourages us to identify welcome “all of our parts “that make us up to be who we are. Fascinating… I totally get it.
I wish you continued courage, and never give up being curious about what this “home “is inside of each of us belonging only to ourselves to shift and heal as we can. “It” … That which gets in our way and takes the breath from our lungs… never goes away, but it can “soften“… I embrace your effort, because here I am at 71 still walking what feels like an ever too elusive path to my own inner Peace.
Wishing us all blessings, courage, and continued. Curiosity! Curiosity is the opposite of fear it helps us lean inward wanting to know more, rather than pushing away what we fear or don’t want.🙏❤️🙏❤️ sending strength ✨
Good morning from Missouri.
What a blessing today's newsletter is and this community. Each section truly speaks to me and gives me comfort and encouragement. My parents are aging and my Dad is so very afraid of dying. I am praying for words to help comfort him in this stage. Thank you Sarah.
Dearest Sarah, I saw your post yesterday but did not have time (or take the time) to read it. The universe has a way of ensuring we get what we need when we need it. I am celebrating Canadian thanksgiving today with my family and reading this post this morning was exactly what I needed and has set me up for a joyful family gathering. I often shrink myself with family so as not to cause “waves” but I am learning to be fully present and my true self with family. Doing this from a place of love is so important. I also struggle with the aging of my mother. I often get frustrated with her limiting beliefs about herself. Today I will meet her where she is at, accept her for who she really is and let go of my judgement. Thank you for your beautiful and thoughtful words.
“Shrink myself with family”. When I read this I thought, “that’s exactly what I do too!” Thank you for giving words to my emotions.
I couldn’t love this more. To humanness, to kindness to self, to expressing love, to self-humbleness. Thank you 🤍🌱
Hi....Thanks for the words of encouragement and wisdom.....the 2 that struck me so deeply this morning were the "startling of others with my transparency"...sometimes in the past 5 years I don't even recognize myself. I am loving myself and I am unapologetically the most mushy woo woo person at the nursing school at Regis University in Denver....that would never have been me...I love the life long journey which I now relish, hunger for and gladly seek out daily...so amazing. The reminder that others' response is not my business was so welcome as I still at times stop and think, "will this make someone uncomfortable" Thanks
My parents.....(heavy sigh). My mom died December 2022 so almost a year ago...I have as an RN and palliative care NP worked in end of life care for 2 decades and nothing could prepare me for the waves of profound grief her death opened in me. Wow...I am so grateful for this experience of life also. My father is 80 and has recently been diagnosed with stage 4 lung cancer. While I am not ready to lose him too I am finding so many gifts during the journey with my mom and now dad...our relationship and deepening friendship, recognizing how much impact he has had on me and my life is profound and such a blessing.
Kelly Bastian
Thank you so much Sarah. This speaks to me in so many ways. I’m the aging parent gradually disappearing. I have time though to do the things that need to be done. You help me to love myself and appreciate myself , forgive myself. Please please keep sharing your exquisite thoughts. I love you Sarah.
Sublime Sarah. Any early morning gentle cry is always welcomed from you.
It’s grief that’s visiting me, as well as the persistent + overwhelming urging to accept everything I hide about myself. I must converse with these friends here now.
Love you, Sarah. So much!
Your words bring me introspection. I love the reminder….The world will touch where I most need release. Pay close attention to where the pressure is asking to let go. For me right now, the pressure is my struggle to not absorb the emotions of those closest to me. I love them dearly yet it’s not healthy for my psyche to take on their troubles. That is their journey and I need to have my boundaries to keep me safe. I love your words. They strike me deep 💕
this is divine. thank you so much
i feel left behind, a foot in both camps. still such attachment to the woman i was. needing to fulfil roles for family members in order to be noticed i jumped off and now im not in the camp, never was. I'm afraid of who am I without all the noise. Never liked the noise, the world feels so loud. I invent pockets where i am able "get off"
and in the "get off" its divine, serene peaceful and kind but i dont know how to transcend this place that I am. How it will work to move forward with life
so i got off, asked to be, and in the praying i pray my children will come, my husband and love but in the interim i am alone with all of me