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Jane Fowler's avatar

Good morning from the wilds of Northumberland, UK. I am like cloth spread out to dry ... on 'tenterhooks' ... stretched every which way to become smoother in my ways! Your words echoed a counsellor who is hearing my cries to understand my relationship with my daughter. She is hiding behind her career, having pushed her grief way down inside ... and so she shuns my vulnerability. It echoes what lies just beneath the surface of her ... and if she opens up she won't be able to do her job as well as she does. She is my surviving child and she unable to support me through my journey with prolonged grief from losing my son, her younger brother over 20 years ago. I have PTSD I am told. She does too, but will not acknowledge it. She found him ... he died from a heart arrhythmia ... Sudden Adult Death. I find myself very alone with my feelings right now ... they rise and fall many times during the day. She cannot bear to see me open, curious and asking for help ... she sees this as a weakness. My grief has resurfaced because when he died I held it all together for everyone else! I had no time to grieve ... no time to just sit with my son because I made a choice in a moment of wanting something good to come out of the loss ... I donated his organs ... in that moment, I lost control of how I could and would grieve. He was taken ... meetings, forms to be signed. He helped several children but now I consider how I make my choices ... have I enough time to discern the 'fallout' understanding more now of the Law of Cause and Effect! While it helps me see why my daughter is unable to support me, and all I need is to hear me, and not judge, I certainly am not a needy Mum ... I have to respect her boundaries and this seems so wrong. She pushes me away and all Mums have a need to nurture. So I live afar ... the beach is my medicine. I realise my words here may be too raw for some to read. I read 'broken open it is happening for you ... not to you' and right now I am not seeing the value of these words. How we are asked to rise above our suffering ... seek acceptance or is it resignation with one of life's hardest lessons. Many say keep busy ... its not as easy as it sounds. Many say in time she wlll come round ... but for me every day that passes is another loss of mending our wounds. How can I let go? It is not natural. Thank you Sarah for your inspirational words that soothe so many of us.

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Mary Doherty's avatar

I lost my husband four years ago in August. He was everything to me and my five adult children. I am still grieving, and I think I will forever grieve because I loved him so completely. As I slowly try to figure out how to live without him by my side, I realize that I have to accept my grief and hurt every day. I think in the beginning I tried to push away those feelings of pain. There is no "fast pass" through grief. Every day brings memories and feelings that can be hard to feel. I appreciate the way you talk about the fear that we have when we are facing intense emotions. You just have to accept them even if you don't like them. John had cancer that tore through his body for 3 years. He would always remind me that we were running a marathon. He used to say, "Hey hon, how about if we just do today." Such an easy saying, yet incredibly hard to do some days. Thank you, Sarah for your posts. I look forward to them. They have helped me through so much.

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