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I've decided to share again an uncensored, unedited, flow-written piece directly from my journal. I'm going to read it as it came out. And the reason I decided to share in this way, as I mentioned last week, was to remove the protection of our perfectionism, and also because it scares me. I find when I lean into the spots that scare me I am directed to a place that is holding a gift intended for me and my evolution and my growth. The stretching is where we have to lean ourselves toward, and I think we spend our lifetimes avoiding these very places within ourselves. So I have decided as best I can, to take those spots— those dense places where I want to turn from and move toward them again and again in order to unearth what is within them. I don't know what's going to come of it but it's part of the puzzle, it's part of the equation, and it helps me not continue to live underneath a shell.
So here we go:
Sometimes I want to give up everything for the burden of thought gets too heavy to bear. I am an ant among a throng of billions of others, circling around her single cell and mind thinking she, the one important one. Thinking, she, the purpose, she, the light. At times I grow dizzy on a self I'm tired of contemplating.
All this storytelling, this building inside it never ceases, and I spin, and spin, and spin. It leaves me wondering how one being holds so much. All our lives swirl into a froth and I will die and only dust will be left of me. But the marks matter— the ones left as grooves in someone else. This strange existence, where we press into one another the best and worst qualities of ourselves, like small scars left in and on one another. We all die holding on to the stories and imprints of one another, and though I am not the single most important star, I am one imprinted in many, and so in some way, I am a million times wider than my one single ring. I will live as a groove in someone else and must be sure to carefully be the type of scar I wish to leave. The type of sound I want to be left in the heart of whoever I get to touch.