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Michelle Arregoitia's avatar

Sweet Sarah... What a beautiful birthday surprise to wake up and allow your heartfelt message seep into mine. 💗

For the past few years I experience the “birthday blues” a few days leading up to it. It’s this sense of subtle dread that enters into my inner world. I looked it up to see if this is a common phenomenon and apparently it exists. Every turn around the sun prompts me to see what I’ve not accomplished yet. Mostly in terms of how the toughest stone I carry , the suffering that still feels raw from caring for my adult son with a disability, is still salient and grips at my jaw, mind, heart and soul. Yesterday, after visiting his friends at a school my son used to attend, I left feeling inadequate and even jealous. You see my son is nearing 30 and instead of engaging in a school or work where they create opportunities for social engagement, work and sport, my son refused to continue. He wanted out. He is a boy still in a man’s body. He gets anxious and irritated when overwhelmed. When I’m out and about with him, I’m like a hawk watching the environment for triggers and to see how he will respond. My nerves often take the brunt. This jagged stone has chiseled my heart into many pieces. Only the cry to surrender, the cry of I can’t take it anymore, led me on a path to deepest discovery. whittled me into a search for peace and calm. So the thirst for understanding, deep deep understanding and wisdom would offer reprieve.

I’ve come to see my son’s gifts are made of soft colored threads. A quiet disposition with a huge loving heart, big hugs, cuddles and simple conversations.

Sometimes I still visit the land of what if’s, he should be... still could be, did I make the right decision... who knows??? All I know for sure is that this stone has cracked open my heart, opened my eyes to far greater truths. But birthdays make us take stock and so here I am again with tears in my eyes, but seeing more clearly this time around.

Much love Sweet Sarah💙✨💙

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Michele B's avatar

Sarah, as I sit here in Rochester MN for a Mayo Clinic visit with my younger sister who had a heart attack in Sept. I opened this so we could both listen as we awake. Your words touched our hearts in more ways than we could have imagined. She is doing so much better and a resolution is forthcoming 🫶🏼🫶🏼

Thank you for sharing your gift of words.

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