I too just returned from a stay in Europe. It began with a wedding, floating in love and relationship and then moved to the loneliness and thickness you described. I wondered today if you are really just my soul speaking to me, or a real person, due to how you show up on time with all too descriptive moments of my life. In the last five years, I’ve said goodbye to my oldest two kids in the house, and am now mourning the beginning of my final year of the last one home. At the same time, and mysteriously, old and valuable friendships are not reciprocating my efforts in our long held intimacy. It is time for me to fall and die to all of the loss. Stop fighting against the journey and clinging to the rocks. Time to let be what is. So whether you are my soul, or Sarah, or both speaking to me, I value the gift today, and look forward to seeing where dying leads each of us. Blessings, Keith.
Keith! Beautiful. 'It is time for me to fall and die to all of the loss. Stop fighting against the journey and clinging to the rocks. Time to let be what is." Deep bow and blessings to you, Keith. I too have seen my children grow and leave, fledge, find their own lives... yes, without me... and I too have "mysteriously" been distanced by old, valuable friendships ~ indeed, yet another mourning and letting go. Speaking of Europe, I lived almost a decade in Amsterdam (through the 80's), birthing my children, building a family... nothing is permanent and we all have to let go, right? Who knew I'd end up 70... alone. Good thing I have practice, but it never gets easy as we learn to embarce and accept ourselves, mourn what we tried to build and loss, then remember, remember... the good that was. Sigh... I have to work on it every day in my Buddhist practice, baby steps... praying for ease and peace. Dying before we die.
This all makes sense to me in my own way. Your sense that many of us are in this space with you, resonates. In the fall, I went to the top of a mountain alone, pitched a tent, and proceeded to have a panic attack. I was unable to face the grief and isolation. I was not prepared. I still needed my illusions and silent sensing of human energy. I wrestle to share like this community does. I wrestle to connect, frozen in my fantasies that actually push and pull me to and from life. I know, feel, and see what you have written playing within me.
Lindsey, sending deep appreciation for you! I have climbed many a mountain and slept too many times in a tent, and I feel like I 'hold space' for you in your story of pitching a tent and proceeding to have a panic attack, not feeling prepared with what confronted you. Hand on heart, literally, "I see you" Lindsey. Intense. You made it.
Oh my goodness ... I came upstairs with fresh laundry ironed and just sat down to check on emails ... and your thoughts appeared on screen. Just the title Dying Before We Die made me gasp. I am suffering with weeks of mouth ulcers and sore throat, lethargy and so much anger with my past choices in life. I dread the next decade ... I am 69, a number maybe, but reality in 11 years I could be 80 and I don't like this modern world, and the UK, like many countries is in chaos. So I feel trapped in the now moment of looking back and actually to where my best memories were and fear of the future. Feeling under par does not help in manifesting a brighter day! Saying affirmations sounds false and empty. My heart has closed ... looking back over the years I now realise the enormous 'trauma' we suffer through life's challenges. I was fortunate to have a loving family but my parents were in service, so they didn't ever think of another way. When I wanted to go to art college I was told, 'get yourself a proper job' and I dutifully did. My first baby died in the womb aged 7 months, divorce with all his messy bits, death of my son aged 14, the impact on my daughter now 40 whose work consumes her so she doesn't have to think, and who has not been very loving of late, an emotionally detached third husband. and the loss of a very close friend during covid. I have lived in fight (since a young child) flight ... and freeze for most of my 69 years. I am grieving so many collective losses of loved ones, opportunities and life itself. I realise I am worn out and worn down with all the happenings in my life ... the emotions that sit beside the actual acts ... betrayal, loss, disappointment, anger, regrets, and obviously am depressed! How to explain to those few who ask how are you? The woman who kept getting up and starting again ... and again ... only to realise she did not heal herself first. No, she made sure everyone else was okay ... and now when she needs someone to hold her, to whisper its okay, she doesn't have anyone because in a moment of flight I moved north to a wild landscape I thought I needed ... but when one is unwell it is not all embracing. So Sarah, I hear your words today and will listen and read over and over again. I have no idea where this path will take me. Like many my marriage is unhappy yet we stay together being financially limited to go our separate ways. We continue to hurt each other ... it is not healthy and the country with all its problems races along beside us taunting me daily with so much so wrong. I look to Nature and discover fields fertilized with human waste and never allowed to rest. I look to those who are wealthy and who may be unhappy yet able to move on ... I feel trapped with my 'lot in life' and truly don't know who I was meant to be ... before family, school, friends, work and raising a family, three husbands and no career resulting in no independence, no sense of belonging ... my family now made up of an emotionally detached husband, who cannot or will not understand, a daughter hell bent on achievement resulting in exhaustion and snappy conversations. I find acceptance hard. I find forgiveness difficult. I am so angry with myself ... though at the time I navigated these momentous challenges I thought I was doing the right thing. But no ... I did not realise the hugeness of each individual trauma sent to me ... the impact of one alone enough. I miss 'family as it was' ... I want a second chance at life ... but right now I am 'dying ... ' so much has to go and I somehow need strength. Thank you for your words. They have literally stopped me in my tracks as I am sure they have others.
felt. every. word. thank you for exposing the nerve, for you, and for all of us who had the chance to read this. may we develop the skin of our hearts, and "let the lessons of life leave their markings on us."-mark nepo.
Jane, dear Jane... thank you for your courageous sharing and openness. Your words "No, she made sure everyone else was okay ... and now when she needs someone to hold her, to whisper its okay, she doesn't have anyone because in a moment of flight I moved north to a wild landscape I thought I needed ... but when one is unwell it is not all embracing."... let me say... are words that I can relate to being 70, alone since 2000, 2 grown children off with families of their own living far away from me. There is no one to "hold me", to "whisper its okay". I get that. I live that. So in many ways, "I see you".
Yet, given all that you've survived, you mentioned being some what trapped in a situation that continues to be hurtful? I pray you find your way in all of this, Jane. As women, and particularly our age, we weren't brought up to feel it was okay to say "no", even to hurtful, bad treatment. I pray you find a way to give yourself permission... give yourself permission, yes... to draw what I call "a line in the sand" of what you will tolerate and not. Believe it or not, I was in my 40's when I realized that I had the right to use the words: "THAT doesn't WORK for ME" ; )
Sending you strength and love on your journey, Jane.
I realize I am responding nearly a year later and first I just want you to know although we have never met I am holding you, and I am whispering "it's ok" and when I hit "post" my prayer will be may these words make it to your heart.
My high school sweetheart, husband of 17 years, took his life in front of our boys ages 10 and 2. My 10 year old found him. He is the one who called me for help as we were recently divorced. He had left a note.
I have died so many times in this lifetime. It has reshaped my heart and left it wide open to the world. I suppose it's why I have been so drawn to Sarah's writing and changed by it but moreover why I can't not respond to you.
I want you to know there is another human being out here in the world who sees you, hears you, understands you and does hold you with the greatest love and because of my healing, I believe with all my heart that you will be ok because love never ever let's go. Love never ever fails, even if it takes more than this lifetime and more than our logical minds can comprehend, love always wins and I am sending you all the love in my heart.
Hi Jane, me again ; ) I just reread your post, and I am, once again, deeply stunned and moved over the amount of loss you have endured, and survived. Your words: "looking back over the years I now realise the enormous 'trauma' we suffer through life's challenges.", and let me say oh my indeed. For me, even with the fortune of complete alone space now where I am finally safe, the nervous system and mind resists "rest"... there has just been too much, too much in my now 71 years that I have had to push through, survive... I don't know how anyone can reach this age and not suffer from some form of PTSD. I tenderly appreciate your courage and raw sharing, Jane, and pray that we, at this age, find a way... a path...a choice to find and be at peace.
Oddly, without a current 'challenge' in my life, I have to remind myself that what fills my mind and soul...past accumulation of so so much... "THAT is not NOW"... as it becomes too easy for the nervous system to identify most easily with strife and struggle ~ that ~ having been "home" for decades! It's as if 'it' has no where to go, and I wake and walk each day with 'it' in what feels like my DNA. I have no such distraction any longer, and recently put on my refrigerator: Choose (this) Peace. Because I am fortunate to actually HAVE peace now, but it remains restless and tormented with no tangible, what feels elusive, reason (although as a trauma survivor I clearly get it.) I need to make it (peace) a choice. A work in progress.
In the meantime, I hope you find your way in this current chapter of feeling trapped, and can only say that we did do the best we knew how at the time as we navigated moumentous challenges, and dare I say will continue! I pray you find a way to break free from what doesn't serve you, so you can start to build your own internal family of love, kindness and acceptance. I hope this for all of us. You are not alone. 🙏❤
Opening the question of who I’m trying to outrun, who I’m trying not to face scares me. Unfortunately for me is I know the answer and have known the answer. You would have to ask that question. But you did ask and here I am again trying to outrun the forces deep inside of me that I’m trying not to let define me. Just saying that I suddenly realize that who I’m trying to outrun is my past self who still lives inside of me and I haven’t mustered up the courage to tell to leave. Thank you for this question and hopefully I’ll tell this past life that has dwelled inside to kindly get the f out. For that’s not me. It’s really not anybody. Thank you for bringing that awareness and I’m sorry that the question you posed had to be spent in a ancient stone building with gloomy weather. Perhaps the sun will shine brighter now.
Wes, SO well written. Thank you for your sharing!! Hey, check out the book "No Bad Parts" (might be helpful!... IFS Internal Family System related... SO good!) I'm also following a young man named Cory Muscara, and taking a course by him right now called "Working with Thoughts". So enlightening. He also wrote a book "Stop Missing Your Life" (solid, good.. so relatable). Even at my age (70), my babysteps of self reflection are leading me back to a place I studied and knew about during my career ~ but it's now, now that I'm needing, more than ever, to practice how to welcome and invite ALL parts of who I am internally to sit at the table and start conversing!! Your past self, yes.. still lives inside. It's not meant to "out run" it's meant, as Cory would say... hold "it's head and kiss it on the forehead" and tell it "You too are welcome here." In short, it all IS a part of what makes us up. Instead of asking "it" to leave, how about just "sit down", or "go into another room" I'm busy right now working on ease and peace. Or, ideally, invite this part of you to have a conversation with you, ask it "Tell me about yourself? What do I need to know? What am I missing? and What is that you need from ME?"
I'm sharing this because I find it fascinating, and it's something that profoundly works for me. Who knew that finding balance and sanity doesn't come from pushing parts of ourselves away, but embracing those parts, listening to them and inviting them to be cared about. Check out these books, they might help. "I see you," Wes.
"This second half of my life will be about the many deaths of who I am not. Truly dying, before I die, and as many times as needed." oh my... indeed. Imagine, at 70 years old what impact this statement has, Sarah.
Oh my dearest one, if you only knew the bridge you "are" to the deepest, darkest, most magical, mystical discoveries that lay growing, changing, evolving in the blue fathoms deep of "our oceans" where no one goes, or sees. There's death, and life there, in me. Yes, this "second half of life" for me, is ALL about 'dying'. It's like what it felt like nearing the time of birth of my children, they WILL have to "come out!" Or like the rumbling you feel in the train tracks as one laying on it, unable to move.. it's coming. It's coming. There is truly no escape, and the second half of our lives reminds us of that.
I think we are 'fighters', survivors, tragically yet deliciously consuming all of life as an enormous and effective distraction the entire first part of life. Unless we stay distracted (some do), family leaves, work stops, friends die or go away, time not only stands still (oh, so it seems), it also passes with lightening speed! Didn't I JUST get up? Didn't I just make my morning tea? Minutes turn to a fraction of a second, days feel like minutes, weeks begin to feel like 'a day', a month 'a week'... years, a second! I've died so so many times already, for what I am and for what I'm not. Pema Chodron says, remind yourself 5 times a day that you are going to die, and you will find happiness. Okay.
I'm going to go on here, because I am so deeply touched (as always) by your sharing of the time you traveled alone, Sarah. What "that" becomes, confronted and befriended by only oneself. In my world, it has been a HUGE element of my path to healing many a wound. I want to share how I discovered this:
Again, I am 70. When I turned 50 I decided to take 3 days to (for the firest time ever) pack up my motorcycle and "go north" (I'm in Madison, Wisconsin ~originally from the East Coast). I divorced in 2000 and have been alone since, kids grown, gone with their own families living far away. I had been riding with a group of women every Wed. evening after work, but never taken a 'trip', never mind alone, on my motorcycle... and here I was to be 50. (Btw, for bike enthusiasts reading this, I now have my bucket list bike: 2017, Indian Scout ~ always wanted a cream motorcycle with tan leather solo seat. Got it! Yep, still riding at 70!)
Back to turning 50 ~
I rode North to the old ferry that crosses Lake Michigan over to Michigan, strapped my bike in (first time ever doing THAT ; ) Traveled hours and hours on a rocky swells what felt like sea with no land in sight, and then reaching Michigan turned north along the coast. I had 'one' prerequisite for myself turning 50, and with no plans, guides, or direction (other than North) I told myself I just needed to find a place to stay on the water's edge with a view that looked out as far as I could see with no land in sight.
I found it.
It was all by chance, meeting a man at a local food store, he said he was staying at a 'lodge' across the street down the hill by the lake. I went to check it out and felt so blessed by the Universe "listening" to my request, as I was lead to a room in this lovely old lodge right on the beach that had a window looking out across the water with no land in sight. I sat in an Adirondack chair after unloading my bike, no people around, alone at sunset, on the hillside before the beach when the owner approached me with a glass bottle with something white in it, and a plate. He put it down on the armchair, and said one of the residents (I had met at the store) had told him it was my birthday and his wife baked a cake for me, and in the glass bottle was milk! Oh my... my 50th birthday, indeed!
Alone.
Living.
Dying.
Mindfully appreciating and still.
Embracing the magic of THAT moment all in one breath.
Alone.
Oh the details a 70 year old, adverturous, risk taking 'storyteller' can share!!
Oh yes, I can go on... but, perhaps another time I can share some magical occurances, angels that showed up during other solo motorcycle trips I've taken. But until then, I'll let your imagination take it from here with some brief teasing ; )
My solo motorcycle trips!
- I once rode my motorcycle to Colorado with friends, then turned off alone across Wyoming to South Dakota, via Minnesota back to Wisconsin.
- I have ridden around Lake Michigan, as well as around the entire Lake Superior up into Canada (Nacht Terror, the signs said: i.e. beware of MOOSE)... then along the Michigan coast back to another ferry to get home. Then a second time up half way around Lake Superior to stay a week with friends.
- I have also ridden to New Hamsphire and Vermont and back.
- And for my 58th birthday, I stayed with a past student of mine and his wife/daughter in Ohau Hawaii for two weeks. For my 58th birthday, I rented (for those of you who care ; ) a 900cc Triumph Bonneville and on the day of my birthday, rode the entire periphery of Oahu alone to celebrate my life. Kept the bike for 3 days to explore the entire island. Yes, alone.
So thank you dearest Sarah, for sharing your trip and reflections with us. As you can imagine, there are volumes of sharing I could do associated with all my solo trips!! Lots of healing to be done. Thank you as well for always being that "bridge" that invites us to drop in, and recognize ourselves on a plateau we may have totally missed, or neglected to recognize, remember.... you have no idea how profound just your title of this sharing was for me "Dying Before We Die". I rocked with tears of recognition reading your words and listening to your voice. You so tenderly, always, touch the depth of my healing space.
Hmmmm... 'The person who set out on the journey is not the person who arrives.' Thank you for that reminder. I smile at the thought of perhaps 'death' will be the birth of yet 'another adventure', but this time... I won't have to pack! Love to you all!!!
Ahhhh, thanks for this Sarah. Once again, I find your reflections converging so perfectly with my own world right now. This idea of being a midlifer has been coming for me. It seems everything I hear, read, see and feel in my bones lately is inviting me to embrace the transformative process I find myself in, to live a thousand deaths and all the discomfort that comes when shards of Ego Self are allowed to die off.
I’m reading “When the Heart Waits” by Sue Monk Kidd and connect so much with her cocoon analogy for this process. And I’m in the cocoon. I’m baking.
But I’m also feeling bits of the liberation. This time in life is tough but so rich and magical. I just signed up for an elder retreat in a few weeks – didn’t see that coming. How can this be?
After absorbing today’s “Folding In,” I revisited one of my favorite meditations of yours and these words met the moment for me: ““A part of me is afraid to see because it knows that in seeing I will be asked to let go. And that in letting go, I will be asked to be reborn. And that in being reborn, I will have to uncover who I truly am. A part of me knows that once I begin to see I will never be able to unsee again.” So I find myself today “asking to discover the power hidden in the creases of my skin.”
I'm re-reading "when the heart waits" too! the ego shedding is real, especially the enormous "NO" living in my body. Thank you for looking and seeing with me. May we never be able to "un-see again".
Im reading one of Sue Monk Kidd’s books too, on transitioning to her last stage of womanhood. Her analogies and perspectives pair so well with Sarah’s. Kindred spirits all ❤️
Sarah, thank you. I know our hearts are all connected. Your words, honesty, dying resonates so much with me. As my family transitions into a new summer routine I’m fighting against the change wanting to fall back into my past routines of numbing so I don’t have to feel the pain. I have the choice to stay my old self or die again and allow life to show me the way. Thank you for sharing, knowing I’m not alone is such comfort.
The peace prayer of Saint Francis concludes with the words “by dying, we are born to eternal life.” I used to think that this was in reference to our physical death--but as I continue on this journey I have come to appreciate that this “dying” occurs daily, and is part of the flow of the Big Life that we all have the freedom
to experience. I just have to keep it simple and not overthink it.
Your stories always remind me that the big life is all about the flow within us, and without us!! Continue to enjoy the trudge, Sarah!!
I was at the cemetery visiting my Nan when this popped up, Sarah! It’s interesting when we use this energy to ignite the fire within rather than force or resist what’s needed. The prompts are something I am wholeheartedly going to sit with. ❤️
Thank you so much Sarah. I so appreciate your honesty and vulnerability. I'm going through some kind if break down/ loss of identity/ beat up confusion myself. Thank you for remibding me it does preceed a breakthrough, if you just stay conscious and keep moving. I become so self critical. Thank you for the gentle reminders of self compassion. Our most delicate parts heal with the nectar of compassion.
"Keep your hands and feet inside the ride until it comes to a compete stop." 😃
This one touches a tender place for me. I know what I've been avoiding for some time. I've been dreading the day when I've had to begin to touch in with the knowing that a particular season was passing for me. I had my 4th baby in March and turned 41 in May, I knew it would be our last baby and I also felt that I moved into the 2nd season of my life- an end (for me) to the season of more children and pregnancy and into that space of knowing I won't do that again. An end of an finite space and time, I knew it was coming and I can just barely touch it. Facing the 2nd half of life is also weighing on me- it feels like right timing to let some versions of who I thought I would be go. To mourn and celebrate what has been. To move forward more free. Thank you for your share❤
I had a death of sorts when at 52 I left my 32 year old marriage. I juggled excitement and sorrow, hope and disallusionment. I had to rebirth my life. I am now 71 and the last 20 years have mostly been wonderful. I have been blessed with good health, many friends, and personal fulfillment. Growing old can mean growing bold and beautiful.
I too just returned from a stay in Europe. It began with a wedding, floating in love and relationship and then moved to the loneliness and thickness you described. I wondered today if you are really just my soul speaking to me, or a real person, due to how you show up on time with all too descriptive moments of my life. In the last five years, I’ve said goodbye to my oldest two kids in the house, and am now mourning the beginning of my final year of the last one home. At the same time, and mysteriously, old and valuable friendships are not reciprocating my efforts in our long held intimacy. It is time for me to fall and die to all of the loss. Stop fighting against the journey and clinging to the rocks. Time to let be what is. So whether you are my soul, or Sarah, or both speaking to me, I value the gift today, and look forward to seeing where dying leads each of us. Blessings, Keith.
Keith! Beautiful. 'It is time for me to fall and die to all of the loss. Stop fighting against the journey and clinging to the rocks. Time to let be what is." Deep bow and blessings to you, Keith. I too have seen my children grow and leave, fledge, find their own lives... yes, without me... and I too have "mysteriously" been distanced by old, valuable friendships ~ indeed, yet another mourning and letting go. Speaking of Europe, I lived almost a decade in Amsterdam (through the 80's), birthing my children, building a family... nothing is permanent and we all have to let go, right? Who knew I'd end up 70... alone. Good thing I have practice, but it never gets easy as we learn to embarce and accept ourselves, mourn what we tried to build and loss, then remember, remember... the good that was. Sigh... I have to work on it every day in my Buddhist practice, baby steps... praying for ease and peace. Dying before we die.
Wow. Thank you for this response. Powerful.
🙏❤😊
The mysterious loss of long term relationships- I feel this too.
Beautiful Keith, thank you for your vulnerability and heart and courage.
I feel the same way about the soul-thing.
I don’t have words for it (in English) but it’s quite remarkable.
And yes let’s stop the fighting and clinging to rocks.... but wow that is scary! Because then what will happen..... I guess we’ll see ;-) 😊
This all makes sense to me in my own way. Your sense that many of us are in this space with you, resonates. In the fall, I went to the top of a mountain alone, pitched a tent, and proceeded to have a panic attack. I was unable to face the grief and isolation. I was not prepared. I still needed my illusions and silent sensing of human energy. I wrestle to share like this community does. I wrestle to connect, frozen in my fantasies that actually push and pull me to and from life. I know, feel, and see what you have written playing within me.
Lindsey, sending deep appreciation for you! I have climbed many a mountain and slept too many times in a tent, and I feel like I 'hold space' for you in your story of pitching a tent and proceeding to have a panic attack, not feeling prepared with what confronted you. Hand on heart, literally, "I see you" Lindsey. Intense. You made it.
I place my hand on my heart in thanks and gratitude.
Oh my goodness ... I came upstairs with fresh laundry ironed and just sat down to check on emails ... and your thoughts appeared on screen. Just the title Dying Before We Die made me gasp. I am suffering with weeks of mouth ulcers and sore throat, lethargy and so much anger with my past choices in life. I dread the next decade ... I am 69, a number maybe, but reality in 11 years I could be 80 and I don't like this modern world, and the UK, like many countries is in chaos. So I feel trapped in the now moment of looking back and actually to where my best memories were and fear of the future. Feeling under par does not help in manifesting a brighter day! Saying affirmations sounds false and empty. My heart has closed ... looking back over the years I now realise the enormous 'trauma' we suffer through life's challenges. I was fortunate to have a loving family but my parents were in service, so they didn't ever think of another way. When I wanted to go to art college I was told, 'get yourself a proper job' and I dutifully did. My first baby died in the womb aged 7 months, divorce with all his messy bits, death of my son aged 14, the impact on my daughter now 40 whose work consumes her so she doesn't have to think, and who has not been very loving of late, an emotionally detached third husband. and the loss of a very close friend during covid. I have lived in fight (since a young child) flight ... and freeze for most of my 69 years. I am grieving so many collective losses of loved ones, opportunities and life itself. I realise I am worn out and worn down with all the happenings in my life ... the emotions that sit beside the actual acts ... betrayal, loss, disappointment, anger, regrets, and obviously am depressed! How to explain to those few who ask how are you? The woman who kept getting up and starting again ... and again ... only to realise she did not heal herself first. No, she made sure everyone else was okay ... and now when she needs someone to hold her, to whisper its okay, she doesn't have anyone because in a moment of flight I moved north to a wild landscape I thought I needed ... but when one is unwell it is not all embracing. So Sarah, I hear your words today and will listen and read over and over again. I have no idea where this path will take me. Like many my marriage is unhappy yet we stay together being financially limited to go our separate ways. We continue to hurt each other ... it is not healthy and the country with all its problems races along beside us taunting me daily with so much so wrong. I look to Nature and discover fields fertilized with human waste and never allowed to rest. I look to those who are wealthy and who may be unhappy yet able to move on ... I feel trapped with my 'lot in life' and truly don't know who I was meant to be ... before family, school, friends, work and raising a family, three husbands and no career resulting in no independence, no sense of belonging ... my family now made up of an emotionally detached husband, who cannot or will not understand, a daughter hell bent on achievement resulting in exhaustion and snappy conversations. I find acceptance hard. I find forgiveness difficult. I am so angry with myself ... though at the time I navigated these momentous challenges I thought I was doing the right thing. But no ... I did not realise the hugeness of each individual trauma sent to me ... the impact of one alone enough. I miss 'family as it was' ... I want a second chance at life ... but right now I am 'dying ... ' so much has to go and I somehow need strength. Thank you for your words. They have literally stopped me in my tracks as I am sure they have others.
felt. every. word. thank you for exposing the nerve, for you, and for all of us who had the chance to read this. may we develop the skin of our hearts, and "let the lessons of life leave their markings on us."-mark nepo.
with you, in all ways. thank you.
Jane, dear Jane... thank you for your courageous sharing and openness. Your words "No, she made sure everyone else was okay ... and now when she needs someone to hold her, to whisper its okay, she doesn't have anyone because in a moment of flight I moved north to a wild landscape I thought I needed ... but when one is unwell it is not all embracing."... let me say... are words that I can relate to being 70, alone since 2000, 2 grown children off with families of their own living far away from me. There is no one to "hold me", to "whisper its okay". I get that. I live that. So in many ways, "I see you".
Yet, given all that you've survived, you mentioned being some what trapped in a situation that continues to be hurtful? I pray you find your way in all of this, Jane. As women, and particularly our age, we weren't brought up to feel it was okay to say "no", even to hurtful, bad treatment. I pray you find a way to give yourself permission... give yourself permission, yes... to draw what I call "a line in the sand" of what you will tolerate and not. Believe it or not, I was in my 40's when I realized that I had the right to use the words: "THAT doesn't WORK for ME" ; )
Sending you strength and love on your journey, Jane.
Choices.
Choices.
We DO get to choose!
Dear Jane,
I realize I am responding nearly a year later and first I just want you to know although we have never met I am holding you, and I am whispering "it's ok" and when I hit "post" my prayer will be may these words make it to your heart.
My high school sweetheart, husband of 17 years, took his life in front of our boys ages 10 and 2. My 10 year old found him. He is the one who called me for help as we were recently divorced. He had left a note.
I have died so many times in this lifetime. It has reshaped my heart and left it wide open to the world. I suppose it's why I have been so drawn to Sarah's writing and changed by it but moreover why I can't not respond to you.
I want you to know there is another human being out here in the world who sees you, hears you, understands you and does hold you with the greatest love and because of my healing, I believe with all my heart that you will be ok because love never ever let's go. Love never ever fails, even if it takes more than this lifetime and more than our logical minds can comprehend, love always wins and I am sending you all the love in my heart.
Niki
Hi Jane, me again ; ) I just reread your post, and I am, once again, deeply stunned and moved over the amount of loss you have endured, and survived. Your words: "looking back over the years I now realise the enormous 'trauma' we suffer through life's challenges.", and let me say oh my indeed. For me, even with the fortune of complete alone space now where I am finally safe, the nervous system and mind resists "rest"... there has just been too much, too much in my now 71 years that I have had to push through, survive... I don't know how anyone can reach this age and not suffer from some form of PTSD. I tenderly appreciate your courage and raw sharing, Jane, and pray that we, at this age, find a way... a path...a choice to find and be at peace.
Oddly, without a current 'challenge' in my life, I have to remind myself that what fills my mind and soul...past accumulation of so so much... "THAT is not NOW"... as it becomes too easy for the nervous system to identify most easily with strife and struggle ~ that ~ having been "home" for decades! It's as if 'it' has no where to go, and I wake and walk each day with 'it' in what feels like my DNA. I have no such distraction any longer, and recently put on my refrigerator: Choose (this) Peace. Because I am fortunate to actually HAVE peace now, but it remains restless and tormented with no tangible, what feels elusive, reason (although as a trauma survivor I clearly get it.) I need to make it (peace) a choice. A work in progress.
In the meantime, I hope you find your way in this current chapter of feeling trapped, and can only say that we did do the best we knew how at the time as we navigated moumentous challenges, and dare I say will continue! I pray you find a way to break free from what doesn't serve you, so you can start to build your own internal family of love, kindness and acceptance. I hope this for all of us. You are not alone. 🙏❤
“Dearest Jane (whispering)... it’s ok.”🤗❤️
Jane... I see you... I hear you. You are truly courageous!
Sending love and blessings ✨💖✨
🙏❤️🙏
Sending you love
♥️♥️♥️
Thank you for speaking the things I cannot yet piece together
Oh Sarah.
I don’t know yet what I’m going through exactly but yesterday after reading/listening to your post I just held my phone against my heart and cried.
Thank you. 💚
Also: I LOOOOVE the pictures!!!
soul tears. my favourite. love to you, El. thank you for writing.
Opening the question of who I’m trying to outrun, who I’m trying not to face scares me. Unfortunately for me is I know the answer and have known the answer. You would have to ask that question. But you did ask and here I am again trying to outrun the forces deep inside of me that I’m trying not to let define me. Just saying that I suddenly realize that who I’m trying to outrun is my past self who still lives inside of me and I haven’t mustered up the courage to tell to leave. Thank you for this question and hopefully I’ll tell this past life that has dwelled inside to kindly get the f out. For that’s not me. It’s really not anybody. Thank you for bringing that awareness and I’m sorry that the question you posed had to be spent in a ancient stone building with gloomy weather. Perhaps the sun will shine brighter now.
Wes, SO well written. Thank you for your sharing!! Hey, check out the book "No Bad Parts" (might be helpful!... IFS Internal Family System related... SO good!) I'm also following a young man named Cory Muscara, and taking a course by him right now called "Working with Thoughts". So enlightening. He also wrote a book "Stop Missing Your Life" (solid, good.. so relatable). Even at my age (70), my babysteps of self reflection are leading me back to a place I studied and knew about during my career ~ but it's now, now that I'm needing, more than ever, to practice how to welcome and invite ALL parts of who I am internally to sit at the table and start conversing!! Your past self, yes.. still lives inside. It's not meant to "out run" it's meant, as Cory would say... hold "it's head and kiss it on the forehead" and tell it "You too are welcome here." In short, it all IS a part of what makes us up. Instead of asking "it" to leave, how about just "sit down", or "go into another room" I'm busy right now working on ease and peace. Or, ideally, invite this part of you to have a conversation with you, ask it "Tell me about yourself? What do I need to know? What am I missing? and What is that you need from ME?"
I'm sharing this because I find it fascinating, and it's something that profoundly works for me. Who knew that finding balance and sanity doesn't come from pushing parts of ourselves away, but embracing those parts, listening to them and inviting them to be cared about. Check out these books, they might help. "I see you," Wes.
"This second half of my life will be about the many deaths of who I am not. Truly dying, before I die, and as many times as needed." oh my... indeed. Imagine, at 70 years old what impact this statement has, Sarah.
Oh my dearest one, if you only knew the bridge you "are" to the deepest, darkest, most magical, mystical discoveries that lay growing, changing, evolving in the blue fathoms deep of "our oceans" where no one goes, or sees. There's death, and life there, in me. Yes, this "second half of life" for me, is ALL about 'dying'. It's like what it felt like nearing the time of birth of my children, they WILL have to "come out!" Or like the rumbling you feel in the train tracks as one laying on it, unable to move.. it's coming. It's coming. There is truly no escape, and the second half of our lives reminds us of that.
I think we are 'fighters', survivors, tragically yet deliciously consuming all of life as an enormous and effective distraction the entire first part of life. Unless we stay distracted (some do), family leaves, work stops, friends die or go away, time not only stands still (oh, so it seems), it also passes with lightening speed! Didn't I JUST get up? Didn't I just make my morning tea? Minutes turn to a fraction of a second, days feel like minutes, weeks begin to feel like 'a day', a month 'a week'... years, a second! I've died so so many times already, for what I am and for what I'm not. Pema Chodron says, remind yourself 5 times a day that you are going to die, and you will find happiness. Okay.
I'm going to go on here, because I am so deeply touched (as always) by your sharing of the time you traveled alone, Sarah. What "that" becomes, confronted and befriended by only oneself. In my world, it has been a HUGE element of my path to healing many a wound. I want to share how I discovered this:
Again, I am 70. When I turned 50 I decided to take 3 days to (for the firest time ever) pack up my motorcycle and "go north" (I'm in Madison, Wisconsin ~originally from the East Coast). I divorced in 2000 and have been alone since, kids grown, gone with their own families living far away. I had been riding with a group of women every Wed. evening after work, but never taken a 'trip', never mind alone, on my motorcycle... and here I was to be 50. (Btw, for bike enthusiasts reading this, I now have my bucket list bike: 2017, Indian Scout ~ always wanted a cream motorcycle with tan leather solo seat. Got it! Yep, still riding at 70!)
Back to turning 50 ~
I rode North to the old ferry that crosses Lake Michigan over to Michigan, strapped my bike in (first time ever doing THAT ; ) Traveled hours and hours on a rocky swells what felt like sea with no land in sight, and then reaching Michigan turned north along the coast. I had 'one' prerequisite for myself turning 50, and with no plans, guides, or direction (other than North) I told myself I just needed to find a place to stay on the water's edge with a view that looked out as far as I could see with no land in sight.
I found it.
It was all by chance, meeting a man at a local food store, he said he was staying at a 'lodge' across the street down the hill by the lake. I went to check it out and felt so blessed by the Universe "listening" to my request, as I was lead to a room in this lovely old lodge right on the beach that had a window looking out across the water with no land in sight. I sat in an Adirondack chair after unloading my bike, no people around, alone at sunset, on the hillside before the beach when the owner approached me with a glass bottle with something white in it, and a plate. He put it down on the armchair, and said one of the residents (I had met at the store) had told him it was my birthday and his wife baked a cake for me, and in the glass bottle was milk! Oh my... my 50th birthday, indeed!
Alone.
Living.
Dying.
Mindfully appreciating and still.
Embracing the magic of THAT moment all in one breath.
Alone.
Oh the details a 70 year old, adverturous, risk taking 'storyteller' can share!!
Oh yes, I can go on... but, perhaps another time I can share some magical occurances, angels that showed up during other solo motorcycle trips I've taken. But until then, I'll let your imagination take it from here with some brief teasing ; )
My solo motorcycle trips!
- I once rode my motorcycle to Colorado with friends, then turned off alone across Wyoming to South Dakota, via Minnesota back to Wisconsin.
- I have ridden around Lake Michigan, as well as around the entire Lake Superior up into Canada (Nacht Terror, the signs said: i.e. beware of MOOSE)... then along the Michigan coast back to another ferry to get home. Then a second time up half way around Lake Superior to stay a week with friends.
- I have also ridden to New Hamsphire and Vermont and back.
- And for my 58th birthday, I stayed with a past student of mine and his wife/daughter in Ohau Hawaii for two weeks. For my 58th birthday, I rented (for those of you who care ; ) a 900cc Triumph Bonneville and on the day of my birthday, rode the entire periphery of Oahu alone to celebrate my life. Kept the bike for 3 days to explore the entire island. Yes, alone.
So thank you dearest Sarah, for sharing your trip and reflections with us. As you can imagine, there are volumes of sharing I could do associated with all my solo trips!! Lots of healing to be done. Thank you as well for always being that "bridge" that invites us to drop in, and recognize ourselves on a plateau we may have totally missed, or neglected to recognize, remember.... you have no idea how profound just your title of this sharing was for me "Dying Before We Die". I rocked with tears of recognition reading your words and listening to your voice. You so tenderly, always, touch the depth of my healing space.
Hmmmm... 'The person who set out on the journey is not the person who arrives.' Thank you for that reminder. I smile at the thought of perhaps 'death' will be the birth of yet 'another adventure', but this time... I won't have to pack! Love to you all!!!
thank you for sharing, V. looks like there may be a book wanting to be born?! such insight and generosity in your words. thank you again.
🙏❤️blessings to u Sarah for acknowledging and “seeing me”🙏 truly, deep thanks.
I'd like to believe that we'll be ready to die the last death if we say yes to all these little deaths along the way
Ahhhh, thanks for this Sarah. Once again, I find your reflections converging so perfectly with my own world right now. This idea of being a midlifer has been coming for me. It seems everything I hear, read, see and feel in my bones lately is inviting me to embrace the transformative process I find myself in, to live a thousand deaths and all the discomfort that comes when shards of Ego Self are allowed to die off.
I’m reading “When the Heart Waits” by Sue Monk Kidd and connect so much with her cocoon analogy for this process. And I’m in the cocoon. I’m baking.
But I’m also feeling bits of the liberation. This time in life is tough but so rich and magical. I just signed up for an elder retreat in a few weeks – didn’t see that coming. How can this be?
After absorbing today’s “Folding In,” I revisited one of my favorite meditations of yours and these words met the moment for me: ““A part of me is afraid to see because it knows that in seeing I will be asked to let go. And that in letting go, I will be asked to be reborn. And that in being reborn, I will have to uncover who I truly am. A part of me knows that once I begin to see I will never be able to unsee again.” So I find myself today “asking to discover the power hidden in the creases of my skin.”
Much love and thanks!
I'm re-reading "when the heart waits" too! the ego shedding is real, especially the enormous "NO" living in my body. Thank you for looking and seeing with me. May we never be able to "un-see again".
Im reading one of Sue Monk Kidd’s books too, on transitioning to her last stage of womanhood. Her analogies and perspectives pair so well with Sarah’s. Kindred spirits all ❤️
Nice Daniel!
Sarah, thank you. I know our hearts are all connected. Your words, honesty, dying resonates so much with me. As my family transitions into a new summer routine I’m fighting against the change wanting to fall back into my past routines of numbing so I don’t have to feel the pain. I have the choice to stay my old self or die again and allow life to show me the way. Thank you for sharing, knowing I’m not alone is such comfort.
💚
The peace prayer of Saint Francis concludes with the words “by dying, we are born to eternal life.” I used to think that this was in reference to our physical death--but as I continue on this journey I have come to appreciate that this “dying” occurs daily, and is part of the flow of the Big Life that we all have the freedom
to experience. I just have to keep it simple and not overthink it.
Your stories always remind me that the big life is all about the flow within us, and without us!! Continue to enjoy the trudge, Sarah!!
It is so reassuring to read how each of us feels and be heard with love. x
I was at the cemetery visiting my Nan when this popped up, Sarah! It’s interesting when we use this energy to ignite the fire within rather than force or resist what’s needed. The prompts are something I am wholeheartedly going to sit with. ❤️
Thank you so much Sarah. I so appreciate your honesty and vulnerability. I'm going through some kind if break down/ loss of identity/ beat up confusion myself. Thank you for remibding me it does preceed a breakthrough, if you just stay conscious and keep moving. I become so self critical. Thank you for the gentle reminders of self compassion. Our most delicate parts heal with the nectar of compassion.
"Keep your hands and feet inside the ride until it comes to a compete stop." 😃
This one touches a tender place for me. I know what I've been avoiding for some time. I've been dreading the day when I've had to begin to touch in with the knowing that a particular season was passing for me. I had my 4th baby in March and turned 41 in May, I knew it would be our last baby and I also felt that I moved into the 2nd season of my life- an end (for me) to the season of more children and pregnancy and into that space of knowing I won't do that again. An end of an finite space and time, I knew it was coming and I can just barely touch it. Facing the 2nd half of life is also weighing on me- it feels like right timing to let some versions of who I thought I would be go. To mourn and celebrate what has been. To move forward more free. Thank you for your share❤
I had a death of sorts when at 52 I left my 32 year old marriage. I juggled excitement and sorrow, hope and disallusionment. I had to rebirth my life. I am now 71 and the last 20 years have mostly been wonderful. I have been blessed with good health, many friends, and personal fulfillment. Growing old can mean growing bold and beautiful.